It seems as of late, every one of my friends, employees and regulars have “the perfect guy” for me. None of them have materialized as of yet, but it warms my heart to know so many of my nearest and dearest find me so capable. Last night, one of my regulars was talking up one of his single friends that I apparently have to meet. He sounded ok, some pluses, some minuses, but the reality is I know that I am not there yet. I’m not emotionally available YET, so I find it unlikely that any of these perfect matches that keep being presented to me are going to spark much of an interest in the near future.
After giving his top-notch sales pitch about his friend, he gave me what seems like a glaringly obvious, but wonderful piece of advice. Make a list! Shortly before meeting his wife, a co-worker of his offered him the same advice. Sit down and make a list of everything you want in a partner, the perfect man. He said ”so many people are walking around blindly looking for love. How can you find what you want if you don’t take the time to define what it is that you want?” So I did, shortly after he left I sat down and started my list:
HONEST: I have learned from my transgression and hold openness and honesty in such a higher regard right now then I ever have before. I now realize that this isn’t just something that I want in a man, I absolutely will not enter into a relationship again without feeling secure that the man is honest and trustworthy.
FUNNY: This one I have to hand to my ex-husband. No matter how messed up our marriage got, he made me laugh every single day and still does most days. I want someone who shares my sense of humor and wit, it just makes life more fun. That being said, I don’t want to be with a ham. Having a sense of humor does not mean needing to be center stage at all times, to me.
EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE: When people ask me what went wrong between my ex-boyfriend and me, I like to say “we both had a lot of baggage and it didn’t add up to be a whole luggage set.” It is my cute way of saying neither of us were emotional available, so please don’t ask anymore questions. It was wrong of me to stay in that relationship for two years when I was never emotionally available to him and I feel like it only lasted as long as it did because he wasn’t really emotionally available either. He was not still in love with his ex-girlfriend but the anger and hostility he held towards her didn’t leave much room left for any other emotions.
FINANCIALLY SECURE: I learned this one from my ex-boyfriend too. He owns his own business, but it is very seasonal. So, in his off-season I felt obligated to offer to pay for everything. I am doing well enough to do so, but it sure does take the spark out of everything you do together when it is all on your dime. I don’t need a man to buy my meals or vacations, but it sure would make me feel good every once in a while.
ENJOYS TRAVELING: I love, absolutely love to travel. I get excited just talking about far off lands. The practical aspects of being a single mother/business owners has brought much of my traveling to a halt temporarily, but daydreaming about trips that I want to take is one of my favorite things to do. I would love to share that with someone! It would smolder my spirit to be with someone who didn’t love the rush of stepping out of their comfort zone and into the great unknown.
DOESN’T DRINK TO EXCESS: This one I have to give to my ex-boyfriend. My ex-husband has always drank too much, too often. My ex-boyfriend was much more of a responsible drink and it was always nice for me to feel assured that I wasn’t going to have to worry about him getting out of hand when we went out or people came over. I am not drinking right now, but I don’t mind being with someone who does. There is just nothing attractive about someone who enjoys getting completely inebriated, for no particular reason. Save it for your twenty year reunion!
NO YOUNG CHILDREN: Kind of hypocritical, I know. A single mother that doesn’t want to date someone with children. When my ex-boyfriend and I started dating his son was only a year old. I realized I had no interest in going through potty training, terrible twos or car seats again. My children are passed that stage and I couldn’t be happier! I am not looking to help raise anyone else’s young children and on the flip side of that, I am not looking for anyone that wants to raise my children. I want someone who is interested in their lives and enjoys doing things with them, but my ex-husband and I work really well together as co-parents. We are not looking to add to our circle of trust.
AFFECTIONATE: I have never been with a very openly affectionate man. Early in my marriage I actually thought it was a sign of strength in our relationship; I don’t need my husband to be affectionate towards me, I know how much he loves me sort of thing. I always just placed blame on his parents for not being affectionate with each other or their children. Probably why it was so heart wrenching to see how affectionate he was with the Other Man’s wife. Apparently, he was quite capable of affection, just did not feel it towards me. I want a man who wants to hold me, kiss me and be near me when we are together.
HIGH SEX DRIVE: Like Joss Stone, this girl needs her lovin’ at least two times a day. I very truly and genuinely love having sex. I have never understood conversations where wives sit around and bitch about how often their husbands want to have sex. Sex is fun, sex puts me in a great mood, sex makes me feel attractive, sex is a great workout, and I want someone who shares that sentiment. I do not want to have to ask for sex or speculate if they are going to be in the mood. I want a solid assumption that if we have twenty minutes together in private, on any given day, there will be some sex happening.
IN SHAPE: Sex is one of my main motivators to stay in shape. I see sex as a dance or art. I enjoy engaging all of my senses during sex; I like the way it smells, I want to taste it, I want to feel every part of my partner’s body and I want to see the dance. If I’m not happy with what I am seeing, it takes away from the experience for me. Self admittedly, I am much more critical of my own body in bed then my partners, I still do enjoy a nice firm body to hold onto. I fantasize about draping my fingers down a set of wash board abs on a man of my perfect height (6’2″, but I’ll get to that).
DRIVEN: I work my ass off for what I have and have to work hard each and every day to maintain this life for my children and myself. I want a man who understands that, can relate to it and is just as driven. I don’t only mean this in a professional sense. I would really like a man who just gets his shit taken care of rather blowing it off because the game is on and then it never gets taken care of. I’m an organized person that sees tasks through to completion. I would love to have a partner with that same quality.
EDUCATED: I enjoy both an intellectually stimulating conversation and being with someone that I am constantly learning from. I am well read and well-traveled, but don’t really enjoy being a know it all in a conversation. I love it when someone has a wider knowledge base then myself and is constantly teaching me something new. However, I do not want to be pushed into whatever they are “into”. Please do tell me all about whatever it is that you love, but allow me to decide if I would like to give it a try.
TALL: Yep, I have realized it absolutely matters to me. The Other Man is tall and I love the way I fit snug as a bug under his arms when we hugged. I loved literally looking up to him when we talked. I am not looking to find a clone of him, but I do want a man who is a good six inches taller than me.
ENJOYS MY KIDS: Last, but certainly not least. My kids are my life. They are why I am still in this godforsaken town, why I work my ass off and why I have taken the high road in all aspects of my past. I love every moment that I spend with them and will not settle for anything else then a man who enjoy them as much as I do.
…and that it! That’s my list. It is now the standard by which all suitors shall be judged. This whole process of letting go of the Other Man has been brutal on me. I haven’t fought off depression like this in years, but I know it is the right thing to do. So, I will keep marching forward with my head held high and now with a list in my back pocket to help me size up anyone that walks through the door.