What Was Heard When He Uttered My Name

Life feels like it has been spinning a million miles an hour lately. Not only in my own life, as I observe people around me. Everyone seems to be in transition or contemplating transition. It’s amazing how quickly life can change; perception, feelings, the significance of someone or something, it can all change in the blink of an eye.

For me, the awareness of how much life is changing came at an unexpected moment. The New Man and I have found a routine where he crawls into bed with me when he gets off work in the early morning. It has been a welcome release from reality for me in the last couple of weeks and a wonderful way for me to start my day. As we were in the midst of starting my day off on the right foot, he whispered my name in my ear and it had the most profound effect on me. So simple, yet so significant to me.

When my ex-husband and I moved to this small town eight years ago and met The Other Man and his wife, they began calling me by a shortened version of my name and in turn introduced me to everyone that I met by that name. I wasn’t opposed to the nic-name, it has just never really felt like who I was. I didn’t really acknowledge my discomfort in the name until I was going through my divorce. It became a symbol of the version of me that I had become during the years I spent with The Other Man (and was not proud of). It was very interesting to see who respected my wishes to be addressed by my full name and who, to this day, refer to me by the shortened version. The people who know me well, refer to me by name and do not hesitate to correct anyone that calls me by the nic-name. The people who know me, but have never cared enough to ask my preference still call me by the shortened version. It is a nice daily reminder for me of who the important people are in my life.

But it was more when The New Man passionately whispered my whole name in my ear. It felt like freedom! He has never known me by anything but how I introduced myself, he knows nothing of my past, he knows no one that would refer to me by anything but my full name. It symbolized so much more to me then him being caught up in the moment. It was a symbol of this new chapter in my life, no need for reference to prior chapters or characters, a blank canvas in front of me.

Life truly does always give you exactly what you need, when you need it. I could have never come to my realization about the Other Man without his re-emergence and the opportunity for him to remind me of his true colors one last time. I could have never learned so many valuable life lessons without the time to process and let go of my past in recent months and right when this small town life was starting to get the best of my optimism The New Man walked in to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am consumed by The New Man and this new relationship. He is in a very different place in his life and we do not have much time available to spend together, but he sure does put a smile on my face when we are together. No matter what ends up happening with The New Man, I will forever be grateful to him for helping me take the last steps towards letting go, lifting me up and reminding me that I am a strong, beautiful woman, in one of my loneliest hours and for giving me a new-found optimism about this new chapter in my life. Not that he needs to know any of that right now.

Poker Face

I am a self-proclaimed awesome poker player; the Other Man on the other hand may be the worst poker player to ever play the game. I mention this only because I have to admit that I straight bluffed the Other Man during our last conversation.

Part of my realization that we were incapable of a healthy relationship came from a conversation that I had will a mutual friend; whom the Other Man was known to confide in regarding matters of the heart. The conversation happened after his communication with me ended. She was concerned about me and frustrated with his conduct (towards everyone) and was open with me about some of the contradiction that he was making when we started talking again. It was painful to realize that he has not changed since our last relationship ended and that he still could not be trusted. I didn’t even bother to explain some of the vast contradictions she was bringing to light for me. I just swallowed my jagged little pill and came to peace with his unhealthy mental state.

I agreed to talk to him shortly after the New Year. It was eating at me every time he would attempt to communicate with me and I would resist the temptation to respond. I felt like a hypocrite. I had chosen to walk away from this man because he has repeatedly shut me out of his life and I couldn’t stand the idea of letting it end by shutting him out. I wanted him to understand why I made this decision, be at peace with it. I also wanted him to see the damage that he has done (to me and so many others), so that he will stop being so self-consumed, stop his destructive behavior, and start dealing with the consequences of his actions.

It was not an easy conversation for me to have with him. I had to both admit some very hard things that I discovered about myself in therapy and had to be brutally honest to this lonely, hollow shell of a man who, in spite of it all, I love very deeply. Initially, I did most of the talking. Basically, explaining that I have never known a love where I wasn’t scared of the other person abandoning me. As a child I was shuffled around to extended family member’s homes while my parents “grew up”. Over half of my marriage was spent observing how much more capable my husband was of loving then he had ever shown me. And then there was him, the Other Man, who abandoned me at the first sign of any consequence (repeatedly). I feel like every person should have a chance in their life to know, feel and experience unconditional love. I never have, and I now know that he will never be the man that I get to experience it with.

And now came the bluff…after years of rejection, betrayal and fear of both, I have come to know the Other Man well. And if there is one safe bet to make on him it is this; if he is communicating with a woman and hiding it from his wife, me and the general public, he plain and simply has ill intent. I told him about my conversation with our mutual friend and how it helped me come to my realization. She did not disclose anything to me in the conversation that indicated that there was any misconduct on his part. My bluff was this, I eluded that she provided greater detail as to their communications then was actually provided. I did not need a verbatim account of the conversations. She said enough for me to know his intentions and I knew if he thought that I knew exactly what he had been saying to her that he would crack.

And queue the water works! He did not say a word; he crawled up into a ball on my couch and started crying. He started profusely apologizing to me and telling me that he needs help. BEST BLUFF OF MY LIFE! My objection was simply to make him feel so exposed that he would feel forced to admit his wrongs, understand why I cannot contemplate a relationship with him and hopefully gets him to do exactly what he did; admit he needs help. After six long years of destruction to his marriage, my marriage, both of our families and friends it is time for him to start dealing with the consequences of his actions and change his self-absorbed, destructive behavior.

He quietly started to explain that he doesn’t understand why he keeps hurting the people that he loves; he knows that it is wrong, but he always feels too weak to resist the urges. I let him give me his little spiel about how he wants to be a better man and feels so bad about all of the people that he has hurt. It was not all that moving considering he has actually given it to me on a few other occasions when he has wronged and/or betrayed me.

I took the opportunity to tell him about my therapy experience. My mental health issues were quite different then his childish behavior. Yet, none the less, starting therapy of any kind is scary for everyone. If I could give him a little insight as to my experience, hopefully it would help him take the first step towards accountability. And it did! I am very proud to report that he started seeing a therapist last week and that is why it is the best conversation that we have ever had.

Me? I am more at peace with my decision every day. I am 22 days sober, up to running 15 miles a week, off gluten, alcohol, sugar, dairy and caffeine. I feel wonderful, my mind (and my skin) is as clear as it has ever been and my emotions are stable. I am staying focused on providing myself with the love that I am worthy of and am so excited and optimistic about that person who can offer me unconditional love walking into my life (someday). In the meantime, Now What?