So, I Guess This is Moving On

1897843_10151979837162104_1840110201_nI haven’t posted in a while, for what I thought was a lack of anything to write about. Little did I know, my universe was really in transition. Shortly after making The List, I noticed and increased presence of tall, attractive, active, employed men with no sign of children. It seems obvious now that I was likely surrounded by these men the whole time, I just wasn’t not conscious of what I was looking for until I made The List.

One of the men I serendipitously came upon, on Valentine’s Day, of all days was an EMT at an accident that I witnessed and called in. I didn’t speak to him at accident, but I did notice the attractive, 6’4″ man in a uniform. Much to my surprise, I got an opportunity to speak with him later that evening when he stopped in to pickup a to go order. It was brief, but felt like it was more than coincidence to see the same man, for the first time, twice in one day. I shot a friend of mine a text that was a former employee at same EMS station, inquiring about him. I never heard back from my friend and assumed he must be involved with someone or was someone my friend did not see fit for me.

I had completely forgotten about the text and running into the man until I walked into work the next week to find him ordering another to go order. I didn’t put much weight on it since I never heard back from my friend about him. I went about my business in the kitchen after setting down my personal belongings at a table. It was a most welcome surprise to return to the table to find a sticky note saying “call me” with his name, number and a smiley face 🙂

I called and we made plans to meet last night. It was the first blind date I have ever been on in my life. We met for a beer mid afternoon in a neighboring town, where he lives (bonus). The first thing I noticed about him was that he looked significantly younger out of his work clothes. I was too nervous to ask him how young he was. We went on a hike, out to dinner, soaking a then out for a couple of drinks. Yes, I did have a few drinks but was pleased to observe him only have two beer and call it quits.

It was one of the best nights I have had in a long time and was so what my deflated spirit needed. I finally got the courage to ask him his age by the end of the night. He is 25 years old. So, he may be a bit young to be ready or willing to the one that makes me forget my past, but I am so grateful for the boost he gave me, with as low and lonely as I have been feeling since my realization.

I started to think about how much my mental state has started to subconsciously shift in recent weeks on my drive home. I haven’t had an urges to randomly text The Other Man, have start skipping past the songs on my iPod that make me think of my past or The Other Man, opting for happier, more upbeat music and I no longer carry around a pain of loss in my heart. I am at a place where I a ready to simple love the memory of The Other Man and let go of the pain that my past brought me.

I genuinely believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I’m still not sure if the New Man’s purpose in my life was to simply keep my mind distracted long enough to push me over the edge of letting go or if he will be more than that, but I do know one thing. I have been a very good girl through this major learning experience in my life. The sweet little angel on my shoulder has been working her ass off for last two months to stop that mischievously devil on the other shoulder from pursuing so many unhealthy things. And even the angel on my shoulder agreed, when we saw the extremely physically fit New Man in his swim trunks, that I deserve the body and stamina of a 25-year-old right now.

So, I guess here’s to moving on to a new chapter…


The List

It seems as of late, every one of my friends, employees and regulars have “the perfect guy” for me. None of them have materialized as of yet, but it warms my heart to know so many of my nearest and dearest find me so capable. Last night, one of my regulars was talking up one of his single friends that I apparently have to meet. He sounded ok, some pluses, some minuses, but the reality is I know that I am not there yet. I’m not emotionally available YET, so I find it unlikely that any of these perfect matches that keep being presented to me are going to spark much of an interest in the near future.

After giving his top-notch sales pitch about his friend, he gave me what seems like a glaringly obvious, but wonderful piece of advice. Make a list! Shortly before meeting his wife, a co-worker of his offered him the same advice. Sit down and make a list of everything you want in a partner, the perfect man. He said “so many people are walking around blindly looking for love. How can you find what you want if you don’t take the time to define what it is that you want?” So I did, shortly after he left I sat down and started my list:

HONEST: I have learned from my transgression and hold openness and honesty in such a higher regard right now then I ever have before. I now realize that this isn’t just something that I want in a man, I absolutely will not enter into a relationship again without feeling secure that the man is honest and trustworthy.

FUNNY: This one I have to hand to my ex-husband. No matter how messed up our marriage got, he made me laugh every single day and still does most days. I want someone who shares my sense of humor and wit, it just makes life more fun. That being said, I don’t want to be with a ham. Having a sense of humor does not mean needing to be center stage at all times, to me.

EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE: When people ask me what went wrong between my ex-boyfriend and me, I like to say “we both had a lot of baggage and it didn’t add up to be a whole luggage set.” It is my cute way of saying neither of us were emotional available, so please don’t ask anymore questions. It was wrong of me to stay in that relationship for two years when I was never emotionally available to him and I feel like it only lasted as long as it did because he wasn’t really emotionally available either. He was not still in love with his ex-girlfriend but the anger and hostility he held towards her didn’t leave much room left for any other emotions.

FINANCIALLY SECURE: I learned this one from my ex-boyfriend too. He owns his own business, but it is very seasonal. So, in his off-season I felt obligated to offer to pay for everything. I am doing well enough to do so, but it sure does take the spark out of everything you do together when it is all on your dime. I don’t need a man to buy my meals or vacations, but it sure would make me feel good every once in a while.

ENJOYS TRAVELING: I love, absolutely love to travel. I get excited just talking about far off lands. The practical aspects of being a single mother/business owners has brought much of my traveling to a halt temporarily, but daydreaming about trips that I want to take is one of my favorite things to do. I would love to share that with someone! It would smolder my spirit to be with someone who didn’t love the rush of stepping out of their comfort zone and into the great unknown.

DOESN’T DRINK TO EXCESS: This one I have to give to my ex-boyfriend. My ex-husband has always drank too much, too often. My ex-boyfriend was much more of a responsible drink and it was always nice for me to feel assured that I wasn’t going to have to worry about him getting out of hand when we went out or people came over. I am not drinking right now, but I don’t mind being with someone who does. There is just nothing attractive about someone who enjoys getting completely inebriated, for no particular reason. Save it for your twenty year reunion!

NO YOUNG CHILDREN: Kind of hypocritical, I know. A single mother that doesn’t want to date someone with children. When my ex-boyfriend and I started dating his son was only a year old. I realized I had no interest in going through potty training, terrible twos or car seats again. My children are passed that stage and I couldn’t be happier! I am not looking to help raise anyone else’s young children and on the flip side of that, I am not looking for anyone that wants to raise my children. I want someone who is interested in their lives and enjoys doing things with them, but my ex-husband and I work really well together as co-parents. We are not looking to add to our circle of trust.

AFFECTIONATE: I have never been with a very openly affectionate man. Early in my marriage I actually thought it was a sign of strength in our relationship; I don’t need my husband to be affectionate towards me, I know how much he loves me sort of thing. I always just placed blame on his parents for not being affectionate with each other or their children. Probably why it was so heart wrenching to see how affectionate he was with the Other Man’s wife. Apparently, he was quite capable of affection, just did not feel it towards me. I want a man who wants to hold me, kiss me and be near me when we are together.

HIGH SEX DRIVE: Like Joss Stone, this girl needs her lovin’ at least two times a day. I very truly and genuinely love having sex. I have never understood conversations where wives sit around and bitch about how often their husbands want to have sex. Sex is fun, sex puts me in a great mood, sex makes me feel attractive, sex is a great workout, and I want someone who shares that sentiment. I do not want to have to ask for sex or speculate if they are going to be in the mood. I want a solid assumption that if we have twenty minutes together in private, on any given day, there will be some sex happening.

IN SHAPE: Sex is one of my main motivators to stay in shape. I see sex as a dance or art. I enjoy engaging all of my senses during sex; I like the way it smells, I want to taste it, I want to feel every part of my partner’s body and I want to see the dance. If I’m not happy with what I am seeing, it takes away from the experience for me. Self admittedly, I am much more critical of my own body in bed then my partners, I still do enjoy a nice firm body to hold onto. I fantasize about draping my fingers down a set of wash board abs on a man of my perfect height (6’2″, but I’ll get to that).

DRIVEN: I work my ass off for what I have and have to work hard each and every day to maintain this life for my children and myself. I want a man who understands that, can relate to it and is just as driven. I don’t only mean this in a professional sense. I would really like a man who just gets his shit taken care of rather blowing it off because the game is on and then it never gets taken care of. I’m an organized person that sees tasks through to completion. I would love to have a partner with that same quality.

EDUCATED: I enjoy both an intellectually stimulating conversation and being with someone that I am constantly learning from. I am well read and well-traveled, but don’t really enjoy being a know it all in a conversation. I love it when someone has a wider knowledge base then myself and is constantly teaching me something new. However, I do not want to be pushed into whatever they are “into”. Please do tell me all about whatever it is that you love, but allow me to decide if I would like to give it a try.

TALL: Yep, I have realized it absolutely matters to me. The Other Man is tall and I love the way I fit snug as a bug under his arms when we hugged. I loved literally looking up to him when we talked. I am not looking to find a clone of him, but I do want a man who is a good six inches taller than me.

ENJOYS MY KIDS: Last, but certainly not least. My kids are my life. They are why I am still in this godforsaken town, why I work my ass off and why I have taken the high road in all aspects of my past. I love every moment that I spend with them and will not settle for anything else then a man who enjoy them as much as I do.

…and that it! That’s my list. It is now the standard by which all suitors shall be judged. This whole process of letting go of the Other Man has been brutal on me. I haven’t fought off depression like this in years, but I know it is the right thing to do. So, I will keep marching forward with my head held high and now with a list in my back pocket to help me size up anyone that walks through the door.

Letting Go

She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. … She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
~ Rev Safire Rose
I’ve done this before. I know that I am capable of letting go. But perhaps, it seemed so much more obtainable before because part of me knew I wasn’t letting go forever. I am so desperately longing to get to that space and that place where I can just let go….forevermore.