The Urge to Roam

59963_818959171452187_365956439_nI recently found out my children’s adorable little hipity skipity homeschool cooperative will be closing next year. Up until now, when people have asked me if I am happy living in this small town as a young, single women, I have responded “it is a moot point, this is where my children are rooted therefore it is where I shall stay”. But now, much to my dismay, they have been uprooted and it has certainly stirred up some new perceptions, daydreams and desires in me.

I have simultaneously been learning more about the New Man; mostly that he is a total adrenalin junkie. He is headed in a new direction to rock climb, heli-ski, sky dive and even base jump every week. I have also learned that he is planning to do some extensive international traveling in the coming year. Both of these fun facts have been very helpful for me, in this new relationship. I have finally lived, loved and learned enough to know everything about this man screams “DO NOT GET ATTACHED”. Which is exactly what I need in my life right now; not to be emotionally attached to anyone. I must say though, it does get hard, every week, having the highlight of my week be the time I spend in bed with him and then watching him leave for some awesome adventure and knowing that my week will be just as boring as the last. I have definitely had a few spurs of jealously here and there regarding how much freedom his life has and how trapped I often feel in my life.

I don’t necessary want to be able to join the New Man on his adventures; his presence in my life has just highlighted my inability to roam. What the hell happened? I used to be proud of all of the places that I have gone and the amazing things that I have done in my life. Now I can barely leave town for twenty-four hours without more stress then it is worth. I am becoming increasingly disgruntled by the lack of freedom and choice I have in my life right now.

My Ex-husband and I were forced to walk into uncomfortable territory with each other, in light of the news about our children’s school closing. I have not asked, nor has anyone told me, but I get the distinct impression that, once again, the Other Man’s wife is cowering away from her idyll threats to leave her husband. Leaving my Ex-husband, once again, alone and disappointed. I had high hopes that if my skepticism about the Other Man’s wife was correct that my Ex-Husband would consider relocating, rather than send our kids the bottom of the barrel public school district that we currently live in. I quickly learned however, that my Ex-husband is as committed to staying here as ever. This news has not sat well with me and has intensified me feeling trapped and unable to control my own life.

I love my children more than anything in the world and I would never take them away from their father, but everything that has come to light in the last couple of months is making feel like I am being forced to live out a ten-year sentence in this town until my children leave for college. I love my life and my business but I am not content feeling like I do not have control over where I live and what I choose to do with my life. The Other Man is completely gone from my life and my heart at this point and continuing to live in his world just reminds me of past chapters in my life that I desperately want to stop living. I want something to look forward to, so that I will stop looking back! Now, if I could just figure out how…



What if…?

The article in the above link has been swirling in my head for the last several days. Life has also recently completed a cycle of three deaths; it is strange but has held true in my life. When one person dies, two more quickly follow. One loss was heart breaking for me, the other two were acquaintances. Nonetheless, it is hard to watch people you care about suffer and mourn the loss of their loved one.

Like most people, I tend to assess how I am living my life when people around me die unexpectedly. What if my time is almost up? Would I change the way I am living my life, if I knew that the end was near? The above article reinforced these questions by indicating that humans, as a species, may have as little as fifteen years left here on earth. The reality is, we may sustain life here on earth much longer then fifteen years or my life could end tomorrow. We have no guarantees, all we have is  the memories we’ve made and this moment.

Am I satisfied? Do I have regrets? Am I at peace with the life that I have led, if it all ends tomorrow? I have learned so much in the past several years about life, love and letting go, but at the end of the day have any of my revelations brought me any answers about “life”?  What answers do actually have about my life?

The biggest question that I have been asking myself is if I would be living my life differently if I was given a date of final destination? The reality is, we should all be living our lives like it is the last day of our lives, but that is scary as hell! I am a mother, a business owner, a daughter and hold many obligations in my life (like everyone) that prevent me from living every day like it is my last. Answering this question is genuinely a struggle for me, which in a way makes me happy. I know so many people who would say “hell yes, I would quit my job tomorrow and…”.

I do work very hard, sometimes perhaps too hard. My sin is pride; I have a very hard time asking anyone for help. But it is also very rewarding for me. I have done well with my business. There are families (in addition to my own) that rely on my business for their livelihoods, that is rewarding. I have regulars that come in everyday to chat with me for a few minutes and it is the highlight of their day, that is rewarding. I am able to independently provide a life for my children that most children could only dream of, that’s rewarding. I do not rely on a single other person for the stability of my livelihood, my fate is in my hands, that is rewarding (and scary as hell too).

So, would I give it up if I knew that the end of my days were drawing near? I honestly don’t know. I have passions, interests and hobbies that have been put on the back burner due to the demands of my life and the list of what is wrong with this one horse, backwards thinking town I live in is endless. But at the end of the day, I love my life. The only thing that I would change about my life, if I knew my end was near, would be to acknowledge how much I love my life and celebrate it every single day.

That sure made living for today seem more obtainable. Starting tomorrow, I will do my best to acknowledge how lucky I am to be living this life, let the past go, celebrate every moment and every person in my life, like it may be the last moment I have with them. I will hug my children longer, kiss the New Man with more passion and less reservation, praise my employees, cherish my friends and forgive all that have wronged me (because they are my biggest blessings of all).487686_587839401244274_1504799545_n

So, I Guess This is Moving On

1897843_10151979837162104_1840110201_nI haven’t posted in a while, for what I thought was a lack of anything to write about. Little did I know, my universe was really in transition. Shortly after making The List, I noticed and increased presence of tall, attractive, active, employed men with no sign of children. It seems obvious now that I was likely surrounded by these men the whole time, I just wasn’t not conscious of what I was looking for until I made The List.

One of the men I serendipitously came upon, on Valentine’s Day, of all days was an EMT at an accident that I witnessed and called in. I didn’t speak to him at accident, but I did notice the attractive, 6’4″ man in a uniform. Much to my surprise, I got an opportunity to speak with him later that evening when he stopped in to pickup a to go order. It was brief, but felt like it was more than coincidence to see the same man, for the first time, twice in one day. I shot a friend of mine a text that was a former employee at same EMS station, inquiring about him. I never heard back from my friend and assumed he must be involved with someone or was someone my friend did not see fit for me.

I had completely forgotten about the text and running into the man until I walked into work the next week to find him ordering another to go order. I didn’t put much weight on it since I never heard back from my friend about him. I went about my business in the kitchen after setting down my personal belongings at a table. It was a most welcome surprise to return to the table to find a sticky note saying “call me” with his name, number and a smiley face 🙂

I called and we made plans to meet last night. It was the first blind date I have ever been on in my life. We met for a beer mid afternoon in a neighboring town, where he lives (bonus). The first thing I noticed about him was that he looked significantly younger out of his work clothes. I was too nervous to ask him how young he was. We went on a hike, out to dinner, soaking a then out for a couple of drinks. Yes, I did have a few drinks but was pleased to observe him only have two beer and call it quits.

It was one of the best nights I have had in a long time and was so what my deflated spirit needed. I finally got the courage to ask him his age by the end of the night. He is 25 years old. So, he may be a bit young to be ready or willing to the one that makes me forget my past, but I am so grateful for the boost he gave me, with as low and lonely as I have been feeling since my realization.

I started to think about how much my mental state has started to subconsciously shift in recent weeks on my drive home. I haven’t had an urges to randomly text The Other Man, have start skipping past the songs on my iPod that make me think of my past or The Other Man, opting for happier, more upbeat music and I no longer carry around a pain of loss in my heart. I am at a place where I a ready to simple love the memory of The Other Man and let go of the pain that my past brought me.

I genuinely believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I’m still not sure if the New Man’s purpose in my life was to simply keep my mind distracted long enough to push me over the edge of letting go or if he will be more than that, but I do know one thing. I have been a very good girl through this major learning experience in my life. The sweet little angel on my shoulder has been working her ass off for last two months to stop that mischievously devil on the other shoulder from pursuing so many unhealthy things. And even the angel on my shoulder agreed, when we saw the extremely physically fit New Man in his swim trunks, that I deserve the body and stamina of a 25-year-old right now.

So, I guess here’s to moving on to a new chapter…