The Urge to Roam

59963_818959171452187_365956439_nI recently found out my children’s adorable little hipity skipity homeschool cooperative will be closing next year. Up until now, when people have asked me if I am happy living in this small town as a young, single women, I have responded “it is a moot point, this is where my children are rooted therefore it is where I shall stay”. But now, much to my dismay, they have been uprooted and it has certainly stirred up some new perceptions, daydreams and desires in me.

I have simultaneously been learning more about the New Man; mostly that he is a total adrenalin junkie. He is headed in a new direction to rock climb, heli-ski, sky dive and even base jump every week. I have also learned that he is planning to do some extensive international traveling in the coming year. Both of these fun facts have been very helpful for me, in this new relationship. I have finally lived, loved and learned enough to know everything about this man screams “DO NOT GET ATTACHED”. Which is exactly what I need in my life right now; not to be emotionally attached to anyone. I must say though, it does get hard, every week, having the highlight of my week be the time I spend in bed with him and then watching him leave for some awesome adventure and knowing that my week will be just as boring as the last. I have definitely had a few spurs of jealously here and there regarding how much freedom his life has and how trapped I often feel in my life.

I don’t necessary want to be able to join the New Man on his adventures; his presence in my life has just highlighted my inability to roam. What the hell happened? I used to be proud of all of the places that I have gone and the amazing things that I have done in my life. Now I can barely leave town for twenty-four hours without more stress then it is worth. I am becoming increasingly disgruntled by the lack of freedom and choice I have in my life right now.

My Ex-husband and I were forced to walk into uncomfortable territory with each other, in light of the news about our children’s school closing. I have not asked, nor has anyone told me, but I get the distinct impression that, once again, the Other Man’s wife is cowering away from her idyll threats to leave her husband. Leaving my Ex-husband, once again, alone and disappointed. I had high hopes that if my skepticism about the Other Man’s wife was correct that my Ex-Husband would consider relocating, rather than send our kids the bottom of the barrel public school district that we currently live in. I quickly learned however, that my Ex-husband is as committed to staying here as ever. This news has not sat well with me and has intensified me feeling trapped and unable to control my own life.

I love my children more than anything in the world and I would never take them away from their father, but everything that has come to light in the last couple of months is making feel like I am being forced to live out a ten-year sentence in this town until my children leave for college. I love my life and my business but I am not content feeling like I do not have control over where I live and what I choose to do with my life. The Other Man is completely gone from my life and my heart at this point and continuing to live in his world just reminds me of past chapters in my life that I desperately want to stop living. I want something to look forward to, so that I will stop looking back! Now, if I could just figure out how…

 

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Are There Any Fish in this Pond (or should I say puddle)?

My ex-boyfriend is really struggling right now. Yesterday he called and accused me of sleeping with our tattoo artist. I’m starting to realize that for the foreseeable future, he is going to assume I am sleeping with every man that I am within arms length of for more then five minutes. Well, if I may be frank, I WISH.

I haven’t had a single interaction that has even raised my pulse since the big “realization”. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely content being single right now. In fact, I think it is for the best until I have a stronger will power built up against the Other Man and alcohol. But a girl still has needs. This is literally the longest dry spell I have had in my entire sexually active life.

I don’t know what happened, but shortly after giving birth to my second child my hormones went into overdrive and have never really settled down. I definitely attribute part of my poor judgment with the Other Man to my hormones. My ex-husband and I had an active sex life until things spiraled down hill, I had an extremely active sex life during our polyamorous years and my ex-boyfriend was a wonderful lover. I was very sexually charged by the idea of being with the Other Man once we started talking again. But that never happened, I woke the fuck up and walked away before we ever got back to that place.

So, now here I sit contemplating buying stock in Energizer because I am moving through AA batteries at such a rapid pace. I know I am on the right track and am doing everything I need to do for a happier, healthier tomorrow but right now I really need a man’s touch. I genuinely love having sex and am getting quite cranky without any prospects of having any on the horizon.

The closest I have come to a glimmer of hope of sexual interaction has been being asked out by three men over the age of 60, all of whom I guarantee are packing Viagra. The Other Man’s brother swears that their cousin is perfect for me. While I liked the idea of dating a man with the same gene’s as the Other Man (and, god willing the same scent), I have to admit that it screams “unhealthy decision”.

I have one regular that I have always thought was attractive and very friendly. A couple of weeks ago I decided to look him up on a social media site. I found myself desperately scrolling through his life, search for evidence of being single. Not only did I find the pictures of his beautiful girlfriend, I also found that he is one of only a few people in this region with the exact same job as the Other Man. Check him off the list.

I find myself sizing men up everywhere I go now. Today, I had to call a plumber regarding a leaky pipe. It dawned on me after making the appointment that I did not know if he was single or not right now. He is certainly attractive, very similar in build and features as the Other Man. So, like any good single girl I made myself look a little better than I would have for an appointment with a plumber. My excitement subsided immediately when he not only failed to offer to help carry the load of wood I was carrying into the house, but also allowed me to struggle to open the door for us to get in the house. Next.

I get it, you get back what you put out there. I am not there yet, I am not putting out a vibe of available because I am still letting go. I’m sure being told that I am too intimidating to men my age and not wanting to jump into the small town cesspool of a singles scene, isn’t helping my single chi either. A girlfriend of mine sent me a text that said the song 6’2″ by Marie Miller reminder her of me. That song is so my life right now!

I guess I will just have to chalk this up there with life lessons that I am learning how to live a happier, healthier life from. Patients is a virtue and wearing a “I just need to get laid” name tag is not socially acceptable at my age.

Between Here and There

I felt so confident that divorcing my husband was the right thing to do when I left that I refused to do anything that was going to hinder the process or slow it down. I left the home we owned, every piece of furniture in it, what little money we had in savings and every other worldly possession we acquired during our marriage together, behind. I have a legal background, so I was able to file all of our divorce papers myself. Not having to deal with attorneys and all of the costs of a divorce helped the process a lot. Not allowing my ex-husband a single thing to argue about made the transition easier for our families and children to accept. We were, and still are, happier people not being with each other.

I was initially very overwhelmed and intimidated by being single for the first time in my adult life. I had no idea what it was like to want to be hit on at a bar, let alone date anyone.  Not only was I single for the first time, I was single in a very small town. FRESH BLOOD IN THE WATER! Men were so aggressive. Men that I had known the entire time I had lived here were acting entirely different in an attempt to get me to go out with them. I had fun and sewed my oats for a few months, but being the fresh meat on the market got old really fast.

I started dating a man, that in retrospect was too intertwined to my past. His baby momma (and all the drama that came with her) was who The Other Man’s wife chose to confide in during this same time period. He is a very nice man and was very sweet and loving to me for the two years that we were together. He plays guitar in a band, snowboards, skateboards, owns his own business and was quite good in bed; all very sexy. Unfortunately, staying with him as long as I did was not fair to anyone. I didn’t want to be single and was comfortable with him, but I knew that we were not meant for each other. I had a very hard time dealing with his constant baby momma drama, I jumped into a long-term relationship way too soon after my divorce and unfortunately I still had feelings that I didn’t want to admit for The Other Man. I did eventually end the relationship (that’s a story for my next post) and still feel very bad for him. He was heartbroken and I should have never let him get so attached to me. I owe a lot of where I am now to the lessons I learned from leaving that relationship.

On the work front during this time period, I continued to work from home and waited tables a few nights a week to offset my new expenses (since there was no way I was battling over a cent of child support). The longer I worked at this restaurant, the more responsibility I was taking on there. Eighteen months after my divorce was final I purchased the restaurant and a new home on the same day. Talk about an exciting and overwhelming day! The restaurant has prospered under my ownership and it has been very gratify venture for me. I love the home that I bought, mostly because of everything it symbolizes to me; freedom, independence, and most importantly ALL MINE.

My ex-husband and my new life began to have a new normal to it. We get along well, spend holidays together and are able to take our kids on vacations together. Most days I am grateful to have his friendship back for the first time in years. Other days I am grateful to have my own home to return to without him in it.

I try not to pry much, but from what I can tell he is still patiently waiting for The Other Woman to leave her husband. It is a small town, so we all see each other on a very regular basis. It is impossible not to feel bad for her. I could not even fathom how much weight she has gained, but it is a lot. She never appears happy, yet has chosen to stay with her husband for going on three years since this has all transpired.

I love my home, my children, my job, my life. I certainly could not have said all of that three years ago!