A Love Letter to My Regular

It has been so long…

Since someone has consumed my thoughts, without a sense of guilt

Since I have had someone to turn to for help, without a sense of burden

Since I’ve proudly stood next to a man that I am able to call my own

Since I’ve let down my guard and allowed someone to see the rest of me that I hide  from the world

Since I’ve unconditionally loved, without judgment, and received the same from another

Since I have felt such comfort in the arms longing to hold me

Since I have not feared another holding my delicate heart

Since I have felt butterflies in my stomach from a smile so sincere

Since I have daydreamed of a future with another by my side

Since another has bought the flowers that fill my vase

Since I have poured such emotion into every intimate touch

Since someone has made me feel so beautiful, inside and out, I am starting to believe it myself

…but the truth is, it has not been so long. It has never been before. A love so kind, so appreciative, so sincere; I am in love with a love I’ve never known before. I have learned from my past, I am in love with every moment of my life and am hopeful that this love will continue to fill my heart and ease my scars.



A Lesson or a Blessing?

I saw the Other Man’s wife for the first time is since I sent the “beginning of the end” text. She looked wonderful! It genuinely filled me with joy to see her glowing for the first time in years.

The Other Man told me that they were moving forward with getting divorced the last time we spoke, but they haven’t started telling people yet. I did my best to hold my tongue and not call his bullshit because there is no divorce until you have the spine to make it public. My money was on them backing out because they are both too scared to actual go through with it.

But clearly something in her has changed, her spark is back and she looks happy. I am somewhat assuming (and hoping) that her and my exhusband have rekindled their relationship and are beginning to contemplate a life together. Both of their roles in the demise of my marriage were very painful for me but blame cannot be placed on either of them for it. They simply fell in love. The idea of them living an open happy life with each other excites me for all us. I am happy for them, as a couple, to have each other to start healing the wounds of the past several year and filling each other’s hearts with love and gratitude. For my children! My ex-husbands’ house is so desperately in need of a woman’s touch. I want them to have home cooked meals and someone to fix their hair when they are with him. And of course, there is a selfish part of me that wants the stability in their lives for me.

I told my real estate agent, not long ago, that I would be happy to sell my restaurant and house for under market value. Personally, I think buying rather then opening a restaurant, in most cases, is a poor investment. So, I am not holding my breath that anyone is going to be banging down his door just because it is a good deal. But I simply had to put it out there to the universe that this may not be where I am supposed to be. I would never go further then I could still comfortably split custody of my kids. And being that my kids are rooted here I would not do anything to disrupt that either. My ex-husband having a partner to help him in the day to day life would make it much easier for me to contemplate leaving this small town, if the opportunity was to present itself.

Shortly after seeing the Other Man’s wife I was off to my ex boyfriend’s son’s birthday party. I observed how much better he and his baby mama work together now that I left the relationship. While my ex is still heart broken, I can see it has been the best thing that has ever happened to their little dysfunctional family.

The whole day I had that quote floating in my head “everyone that comes into your life is a blessing or a lesson”. The Other Man is finally getting help, my ex-husband and the love of his life finally have a chance at happiness together, my ex-boyfriend is finally learning what it means to be a father and I have learned the best lesson of all. So many lessons; I guess that makes all of them a blessing in my life. It does seem kind of ironic though; the girl who has feared being left her whole life is making everyone else’s lives better by leaving theirs.