A Love Letter to My Regular

It has been so long…

Since someone has consumed my thoughts, without a sense of guilt

Since I have had someone to turn to for help, without a sense of burden

Since I’ve proudly stood next to a man that I am able to call my own

Since I’ve let down my guard and allowed someone to see the rest of me that I hide  from the world

Since I’ve unconditionally loved, without judgment, and received the same from another

Since I have felt such comfort in the arms longing to hold me

Since I have not feared another holding my delicate heart

Since I have felt butterflies in my stomach from a smile so sincere

Since I have daydreamed of a future with another by my side

Since another has bought the flowers that fill my vase

Since I have poured such emotion into every intimate touch

Since someone has made me feel so beautiful, inside and out, I am starting to believe it myself

…but the truth is, it has not been so long. It has never been before. A love so kind, so appreciative, so sincere; I am in love with a love I’ve never known before. I have learned from my past, I am in love with every moment of my life and am hopeful that this love will continue to fill my heart and ease my scars.

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When I look into His Eyes

My children’s well-being has been weighing heavily on my heart in recent months, since the news of their school closing. I made plans to take the trip I am currently on months ago; to tour an alternative school in a neighboring state. The school, the community, the local people have all far exceeded my expectations. It has been a wonderful trip, yet I am still torn.

Since the moment that I have made the reservations to take this trip, I have been emotionally, mentally, and physically preparing myself for the backlash that would come along with making such a drastic decision. I walked away from my marriage with nothing but “debt and a smile”. I refused to fight with my ex-husband about anything for the desire to be free from everything that we had created.

Now, after three years of acceptance with our past, my ex-husband and I are in a wonderful place. I love him more unconditionally then I ever did while we were married and we are much better co-parents to our children then we have ever been. That being said, we stand in much different places when it comes to what is best for our children and what sacrifices we are willing to make for them. I have bought a home and built a successful business since getting divorced. My ex-husband’s business continues to grow as does the equity that he has in the home we built together.

I am more than willing to leave all of it behind for the well-being of our children. My ex-husband, not so much. When we sat down to talk about the matter, there was little conversation to be had. He is whole heartedly committed to staying in this small town that will limit our children’s educational opportunities and mindsets. I, however, could not be more opposed to such limitations. And for the first time in three years, I feel more than strong enough to fight him on him closed-minded perceptions. But….

Is that what I really want? Do I really want to fight him? Do I really feel strongly enough to take my children away from their father (knowing that he is indeed, a  wonderful father). I am struggling to confidently answer such questions. I desperately wish our past did not play a role in any of this but the fact of the matter is, it does. I am frustrated that my ex-husband’s commitment to this town has to do with this continual desire to be with the Other Man’s wife. Do our children still not come first to him? It is embarrassing to watch how he plays a complacent pawn to her friends and family. They walk all over him and it is the extend of what my ex-husband calls a life here.

I want more for our children, I want the possibility for more for myself, and if I’m being honest, I want more for my ex-husband. He deserves more than being the b*@#h to her parents, friends and extended relatives. I do not want my children to grow up thinking it is admirable to walk through life without any boundaries. I want them to love, respect and appreciate themselves as individuals. That is not who their father has become in his attempts to win over the Other Man’s wife.

But the fact of the matter remains, I don’t want to fight him and I do not want to divide our family. If I had it my way, my ex-husband and I would be on board with leaving this small town behind and never looking back. But since we are never going to see eye to eye on such matters, it is up to me to decide how strongly I believe in this change for our children and how far I am willing to push my ex-husband out of his comfort zone.

It would all be so much easier to answer if I didn’t still see my best friend when I looked into his eyes…

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Putting it all in Perspective

I genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason and every person that comes into your life is in it for a reason. I have felt very strongly about this since going through my divorce and the concept continues to reinforce itself in my life everyday.

The first person came into my life that made me a true believer I met the very day that I came back from the trip where all secrets were exposed and my marriage was all but over. To this day, I call her my guardian angel. At the time, I was helping coach a local rec. league sport and came to practice completely out of sorts due to everything that was unraveling in my life. I did my best to hold it together well enough to lead practice. There was a new, very beautiful and very vibrant woman at practice. I introduced myself, as did she and began leading practice for the day. Fifteen minutes into practice, I mispronounced her name and was quite taken back by her alpha demeanor as she corrected me. Normally, such behavior would have completely turned me off towards a personality. However, it was exactly the dominance I needed in such a broken down, scared state.

She quickly became one of my closest friends, the only one in which I confided in throughout my divorce. She was my strongest supporter, she lifted me up in my weakest moments, she has always so whole heartedly believed in me that it has forced me to believe in myself, she made me feel wanted when everyone in my life was shutting me out of their lives. It was the loneliest, scariest time in my life; one that I am not sure if I would have had the strength to survive if it weren’t for presence of my guardian angel. I will forever be so grateful for her and whatever it was that put her in my life when I needed her most.

Since then, I have never doubted the importance of a single new person that has walked into my life and am constantly speculating the reason for their presence. But the newest addition in my life may be the most unexpected one that has walked in. As closing time was approaching at my restaurant a few nights ago, a young man walked in and asked if we were still open. I said yes, offered him a seat at the bar, and took his order. I continued to do my end of night tasks as I waited for his meal to be cooked. It caught me a little of guard when the first thing he said to me after five minutes of silence, watching me clean was “excuse me ma’am, I just have to say this. You may be the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen”.

Clearly, he had gotten my attention. I chatted with him about why he was here and what he was doing in this little town. He was far from the average demographic profile for this area. He asked me, as he was paying, if there was any way that he could see me again before he left town. A week prior to this conversation, I’m not sure that I would have had the courage to say yes to a man who I had never met and clearly comes from a very different life than anything I have ever known. But something has definitely been changing in me lately with the exist of the new man; my need to roam, explore and experience new things in life continues to grow.

The next night I went out to dinner with him. He is a very fit, thirty-two year old black man from Detroit. As we talked, I found out that he really does come from an extremely different life from myself. I would have never imagined having to contemplate in my head on a date “should I not ask why he was in prison for ten years? Is that one of those pieces of information that you wait for someone to offer?” He never did say why he was in prison, just said that he was a stupid nineteen year old kid that got caught up in a gang.

He was also the most polite, courteous, respectful, flattering, optimistic guys I have ever been on a date with before. Listening to him talk about his life and upbringing was such a beautiful reminder of what an amazing life I have and how lucky I am to life is such a beautiful place, surrounded by amazing people. Apparently, the universe thought that I needed one more BIG reminder of all that I have to be grateful for in my life. Listening to my new Unexpected Friend certainly put all of my recent griping and frustrations into perspective. So grateful for my life, guardian angels and new friendships.

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A Lesson in Graditute

I woke last Sunday morning to a message sound on my phone. Hopeful that it was the New Man, I scurried over to my phone to find a message from another man. A man who has diligently been trying to get into my pants since the day that he met me (shortly after I left my husband). I was disappointed that it wasn’t the New Man and a bit irritated that I was waking to messages from a man who I have made it very clear to “it’s never going to happen”. He was going on and on about how beautiful the beach was where he is now visiting to buy an investment property. He has made it very clear that he would love for me to consider moving to this foreign land with him.

I was very aware that part of my irritation was not about this other man, but rather about the end nearing of the New Man’s era in my life. I have known since day one that he would be leaving the area in late May, but as it draws closer I have been grasping for a few last moments ecstasy with him. So, waking to the hopeful sound of communication from him to be disappointed once I reached my phone left me quite grumpy for the day.

I threw on some sweat pants and a hoodie and headed out to grocery store. Somberly did my grocery shopping quickly as to avoid as many small town acquaintances as possible. As I was checking out, the always flattering checker asked me “where are your flowers?” He was right, I buy myself flowers every single week at the store and failed to do so today due to my bad attitude that had been provoked by my early morning messaging. His question woke me up in a way, making me realize that I was being a bit consumed by the New Man leaving. I went a found a simple, closed bunch of lilies and returned to the check out with them before he was finished ringing up my order. I thanked him for pointing out that I had forgotten my flowers for the week; I really do enjoy having fresh flowers to come home to. The checker completed my order, I paid and then realized that he forgot to ring up the flowers. He said “I did that on purpose. I want to buy you flowers this week”. As I always do when people are trying to give me anything, I insisted that he not buy them, he insisted that he was going to.

I took the next day off from work and scheduled a massage that I had been gifted, ironically by the man whose message I awoke to the day before. I just needed a day to myself to kick my gloomy attitude. As I was walking with the massage therapist she observed “you are very lucky to have someone attentive enough in your life to realize when you need a massage”. And once again, she was totally right. I am in no way attracted to the man who gifted me the massage, but I am still very lucky to have him in my life.

After a wonderful massage and soak I picked up my children from school and headed home to start our routine for the even. The first words to come out of my daughter’s mouth as we walked in the door were “mommy, look at how beautiful the flowers are now. That was so nice of the man at the store to give then to us”. Everywhere that I turned someone or something was showing me how much I have to be grateful for in my life, with or without the New Man. It was exactly what I needed; for my energy to be redirected and focused on gratitude for everything my life already has. Rather then moping around about the one small piece that I am losing.

The next morning I decided it was time to say my goodbyes to the New Man. I didn’t want the looming feeling of knowing the goodbye was coming and my recent lessons in gratitude made it much easier for me to focus on what the New Man has already provided me with and how grateful I will always be to him for helping me find the strength to finally let go. It was fun. He was fun. I am grateful. Moving on…

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