When I look into His Eyes

My children’s well-being has been weighing heavily on my heart in recent months, since the news of their school closing. I made plans to take the trip I am currently on months ago; to tour an alternative school in a neighboring state. The school, the community, the local people have all far exceeded my expectations. It has been a wonderful trip, yet I am still torn.

Since the moment that I have made the reservations to take this trip, I have been emotionally, mentally, and physically preparing myself for the backlash that would come along with making such a drastic decision. I walked away from my marriage with nothing but “debt and a smile”. I refused to fight with my ex-husband about anything for the desire to be free from everything that we had created.

Now, after three years of acceptance with our past, my ex-husband and I are in a wonderful place. I love him more unconditionally then I ever did while we were married and we are much better co-parents to our children then we have ever been. That being said, we stand in much different places when it comes to what is best for our children and what sacrifices we are willing to make for them. I have bought a home and built a successful business since getting divorced. My ex-husband’s business continues to grow as does the equity that he has in the home we built together.

I am more than willing to leave all of it behind for the well-being of our children. My ex-husband, not so much. When we sat down to talk about the matter, there was little conversation to be had. He is whole heartedly committed to staying in this small town that will limit our children’s educational opportunities and mindsets. I, however, could not be more opposed to such limitations. And for the first time in three years, I feel more than strong enough to fight him on him closed-minded perceptions. But….

Is that what I really want? Do I really want to fight him? Do I really feel strongly enough to take my children away from their father (knowing that he is indeed, a  wonderful father). I am struggling to confidently answer such questions. I desperately wish our past did not play a role in any of this but the fact of the matter is, it does. I am frustrated that my ex-husband’s commitment to this town has to do with this continual desire to be with the Other Man’s wife. Do our children still not come first to him? It is embarrassing to watch how he plays a complacent pawn to her friends and family. They walk all over him and it is the extend of what my ex-husband calls a life here.

I want more for our children, I want the possibility for more for myself, and if I’m being honest, I want more for my ex-husband. He deserves more than being the b*@#h to her parents, friends and extended relatives. I do not want my children to grow up thinking it is admirable to walk through life without any boundaries. I want them to love, respect and appreciate themselves as individuals. That is not who their father has become in his attempts to win over the Other Man’s wife.

But the fact of the matter remains, I don’t want to fight him and I do not want to divide our family. If I had it my way, my ex-husband and I would be on board with leaving this small town behind and never looking back. But since we are never going to see eye to eye on such matters, it is up to me to decide how strongly I believe in this change for our children and how far I am willing to push my ex-husband out of his comfort zone.

It would all be so much easier to answer if I didn’t still see my best friend when I looked into his eyes…

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